To my sons:
I have yet to see what lies before me but I know what lies in my past. There are things I would like to live over and there are things I would like to forget. There are songs in my head that play out my life and tell a story I should not forget.
Happiness is as what it should be and pain is what ill choices and sadness brings. My life consists a portion of each the balance of which is not always seen.
The happiness I have lived I would like to repeat but sadly this cannot be. Time has a way of changing things and to try and repeat them would only be a poor copy. However this does not deter me and I continue on to try and repeat the things I so long for. My family brings me joy as nothing else has. They are precious to me and I would not change a thing. I have very fond memories of things in the past, of times of great joy and happiness. I try to repeat them, to make them just right, but it never seems to turn out the way I had in mind. They create something different and unique, yet another fond memory.
The moments in the past that bring sadness to me are like a play with each its own act. The play continues to move on in my head it seems without any end. I have yet to determine its type but it seems to me to be a tragedy that I cannot forget. The decisions I have made will not rest. They come back each night to build my regret. They know I am weakened and continue to push on. They are hoping for my failure and nothing else will they have. The debate is there and it is fierce. The two sides face off with malice and no fear. Brought to my knees I finally give up, praying to God for some measure of hope.
I am brought back to reason and to the world we live in. I remember it now how could I forget. Two little ones, so frail and so weak, eyes closed shut and gasping for air. I am clearly disturbed, as the memory takes me in, to the time in my life that I just wouldn't let in. The doctor calls me over he wants me to hold them. So in my arms I am given my first born son.
We knew his name though not his face. He was to be called Isaac Robert our son. The name was dear to me as we had spent so many months trying to pick it out. I hold him gently as he slowly slips away. There are no tears to be had as my reality is taken from me. I have no more emotions there is too much to comprehend. I just sit in awe as the things unravel and as I begin to realize the new reality I am in. Just when I thought I had figured it out it was time for the second to be held.
Luke Alan was no less a sight for my eyes to be held. He too would be part of this great tragedy we are in. Watching and holding one in this state was more than enough but I knew it had to be done. I held him gently like I had his twin brother. Looking at his eyes closed tight. He was so small I just was not ready for it all. I just stood there and watched one struggle at a time for a gasp of air that he could never find. This continued for quite sometime; I don't know how that time ever passed by. Then they took them from us no more to be seen as we were left to struggle with our new reality. I have never forgotten the events of that day and I still have a longing to hold them once again. They are a piece of us that will remain un-lived; something captured in a past memory.
I want to live it over; make it better somehow but I am stuck with were I am now. Time eases things; makes them better somehow but it doesn't erase the memories and questions I still have now. I take solace in what the dear Lord has given me. I would not give up the life I live now but I am still torn with the past that I had wanted so bad. Boys I miss you and I wish I could have seen your reality fulfilled. You lay heavy on my heart and I won't ever forget you.
Your Dad
I have yet to see what lies before me but I know what lies in my past. There are things I would like to live over and there are things I would like to forget. There are songs in my head that play out my life and tell a story I should not forget.
Happiness is as what it should be and pain is what ill choices and sadness brings. My life consists a portion of each the balance of which is not always seen.
The happiness I have lived I would like to repeat but sadly this cannot be. Time has a way of changing things and to try and repeat them would only be a poor copy. However this does not deter me and I continue on to try and repeat the things I so long for. My family brings me joy as nothing else has. They are precious to me and I would not change a thing. I have very fond memories of things in the past, of times of great joy and happiness. I try to repeat them, to make them just right, but it never seems to turn out the way I had in mind. They create something different and unique, yet another fond memory.
The moments in the past that bring sadness to me are like a play with each its own act. The play continues to move on in my head it seems without any end. I have yet to determine its type but it seems to me to be a tragedy that I cannot forget. The decisions I have made will not rest. They come back each night to build my regret. They know I am weakened and continue to push on. They are hoping for my failure and nothing else will they have. The debate is there and it is fierce. The two sides face off with malice and no fear. Brought to my knees I finally give up, praying to God for some measure of hope.
I am brought back to reason and to the world we live in. I remember it now how could I forget. Two little ones, so frail and so weak, eyes closed shut and gasping for air. I am clearly disturbed, as the memory takes me in, to the time in my life that I just wouldn't let in. The doctor calls me over he wants me to hold them. So in my arms I am given my first born son.
We knew his name though not his face. He was to be called Isaac Robert our son. The name was dear to me as we had spent so many months trying to pick it out. I hold him gently as he slowly slips away. There are no tears to be had as my reality is taken from me. I have no more emotions there is too much to comprehend. I just sit in awe as the things unravel and as I begin to realize the new reality I am in. Just when I thought I had figured it out it was time for the second to be held.
Luke Alan was no less a sight for my eyes to be held. He too would be part of this great tragedy we are in. Watching and holding one in this state was more than enough but I knew it had to be done. I held him gently like I had his twin brother. Looking at his eyes closed tight. He was so small I just was not ready for it all. I just stood there and watched one struggle at a time for a gasp of air that he could never find. This continued for quite sometime; I don't know how that time ever passed by. Then they took them from us no more to be seen as we were left to struggle with our new reality. I have never forgotten the events of that day and I still have a longing to hold them once again. They are a piece of us that will remain un-lived; something captured in a past memory.
I want to live it over; make it better somehow but I am stuck with were I am now. Time eases things; makes them better somehow but it doesn't erase the memories and questions I still have now. I take solace in what the dear Lord has given me. I would not give up the life I live now but I am still torn with the past that I had wanted so bad. Boys I miss you and I wish I could have seen your reality fulfilled. You lay heavy on my heart and I won't ever forget you.
Your Dad
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