5 years ago Sarah and I would be placed in a position to face tragedy. Our lives up to that point were full of hope and expectation. We were so excited to learn that we would not only be having one precious child but two. We were in the midst of construction of our new house and all seemed to be going as planned. Until one morning I received a call at work from Sarah. When I got on the phone I immediately knew this would be no ordinary phone call. Sarah was beside herself and crying. She told me that she had been leaking amniotic fluid and had gone in to get it checked out. Upon examination her doctor determined that there was reason to be concerned and that she should go the hospital. Once we got to the hospital her doctor’s concerns were realized and we started our spiral into chaos. From this point on events tended to blur together and time seemed to stand still. We were told that there was a very high probability we would lose these lives that we thought we were supposed to raise into adult hood. There was only a very small chance that she might make it viability stage. So everyday we struggled with the very real possibility our children would never get the chance to experience this world. There were some people who brought us hope and some people who brought us despair. However no one could change the numbness that was growing in my heart. I couldn’t seem to be able to keep up with the movement of the waves and so I held firm, simply waiting for this storm to pass. Whether good or bad I would not let either rule over me. Instead I chose to stay in the abyss of nothingness, not expecting nor thinking, just being. So when the day finally came, and we lost the future we thought we were meant to have, I slipped further into the abyss around me. That day will never leave nor can I ever leave it. It stands as a path not traveled, as a dream unfulfilled, as a life never lived. When Sarah gave birth to those precious children I was asked if I wanted to hold them. I did and was able to glimpse a little of the future that would never be. As I held them and they struggled to breathe I realized that I was holding my dying children. I wanted to help them in their struggle to breathe, to be the father I had dreamed of being. The moment was like standing in the eye of a storm, realizing you have made it this far but that your world has been torn apart and the torment is not over. As Man and Woman become one a bond is formed and a little of each other is bound to the other. I believe that when a child is created a little of his parents are bound to the child. A little of Sarah and I died that day. We will never get that part of ourselves back again. So we live in this world as people incomplete and survive only because of God’s grace. We have since been blessed with 3 children and thank God for them everyday. But we will never forget the past and those precious children we once had. I still hold hope for the future and pray that I might come out of the abyss so I can release the emotions that still exist.
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